Rather, Gather

“Assume positive intent.”

This is a ground rule I often hear in my work, especially when I’m working with teams whose members don’t get along. It’s a nice idea. And many attest to its value in their attempts to manage conflict and disagreement.

But I guess

I’m just not nice.

Because, while I’m sure positive intent abounds, psychic structures still rule the day. The unconscious will out.

For example,

• I can say I’m anti-racist, but my unconscious racism will still manifest in microagressions. I’m white, after all. Where does that leave you if you’ve just experienced a paper cut — or worse — while I insist my intentions were good? What are the chances that I’ll ever confront and change my racism?

• I can say I’m not angry at you, that you and I are fine, yet I can still give you the cold shoulder. I really do intend to pretend that I’m good, but my unconscious defense mechanisms impel me to act out on you, to make you feel the hurt that I feel and won’t acknowledge to you (and maybe even to myself).

• I can say I meant to do that thing you wanted me to do (clean up after myself, write that paper, attend class) — I had the best of intentions — but my not doing it points to the truth of the matter, which is that I’m ambivalent or resistant. Digging into ambivalence and resistance is much more fruitful than floating on the surface of positive intent.

BUT, in my work: While I don’t assume positive intent, I also don’t assume negative intent.

I just get curious.

I gather data. Which includes others’ behaviors, but it also includes my assumptions. My emotions. My expectations of the world. It recognizes that I can’t know what drives other people, but I can own what drives me. I can make guesses about myself and others, about my relationships, based on data. And, importantly, I can ask.

To assume positive intent is to bypass the data. And the data is where it’s at. Always. Every time.

So here’s a provocative mantra for this week: Don’t assume. Rather, gather data.