Content v. Bedrock
If you think about it, many — and maybe every — communication has at least two layers:
The content, which is the actual words or actions. The explicit layer.
And the emotional bedrock, which is the (unspoken, unconscious) feelings and needs driving the words and actions. The implicit layer.
Which layer you focus on matters.
In the heat of the moment, it’s hard not to blend the two. For instance, when a student yells,
“Fuck you!”
the teacher probably feels a double hit: The language (content) and the emotion (anger, riding on deeper feelings of fear, maybe, or despair). A double-fisted gut punch.
(Hunh. This reminds me of a most spectacular podcast episode.)
The teacher’s response? Self-protection (and protection of others in the room), which often translates into
“Get out!”
A natural response. But one that does a couple things:
reinforces the student’s expectations of the world (expectations of disconnection and rejection, for example), which deepens the likelihood of more, similar outbursts and an endless, escalating loop of alienation
for some, initiates the pipeline to prison
A great way to avoid these negative outcomes is to ignore the content and focus on the emotional bedrock.
How? By making the flip.
What am I feeling?
the teacher can ask.
Answers:
fear
anger
shock
disrespect
(At least.)
Might my student be feeling the same way?
the teacher can ask.
Answer: YES.
Why?
the teacher can ask.
The possible answers have to do with what just happened in class, what happened in a previous class, what happened in the hallway, what happened at home last night, what happened in the student’s life recently. Coming up with the answer might mean talking to the student, asking questions, making a good guess.
Bottom line?
There is always a good reason.
You may not like the reason. But digging it up out of the emotional bedrock can help you connect with a student who actually, despite their behavior, seeks connection — and desperately needs your understanding.