Don't Take It Personally

Really?

When students hate the reading you’ve assigned? When someone whispers something to a colleague while looking straight at you? When a parent forgets your name? When students blow you off?

(This last one is the subject of the most recent podcast episode. Check it out! Share it! Subscribe!)

How can you not take these things personally?!?!!

You know, I remember when I bristled at this well-meaning but meaningless advice back in the day. I had no idea what anyone could possibly mean when they said not to take an obvious affront personally.

And then I figured it out.

Here’s what I mean when I say “Don’t take it personally”:

I mean “Look for the data. And figure out what it’s telling you about yourself and about the person who served it up.”

Data? I mean emotions. The feelings we bundle automatically into

rigid defenses

that protect us and blame others.

When we decide not to take something personally, we deconstruct the defense by paying attention to the emotions. Which are incredibly valuable because they are intermediaries between me and other people. They are the relational ligaments that bind us all together. That is, they are

signals

about what’s going on relationally between me and someone (everyone) else.

As such, they are incredibly informative. And incredibly accurate.

And, for me at least, incredibly exciting!

If you look for the data and figure out what it means, your world gets better instantly. Just ask Robin.