Objectification
Is it COVID? Or is it just me? Because it feels as though people these days are displaying their
worst selves.
And our worst selves are contributing to this worst of times.
Don’t get me wrong: I value the shadow side. I believe — and heartily practice! — the wisdom of embracing my dark side. I have found that letting my shadow live both enlightens me and relieves other people of having to deal with my projections. (Except when I’m driving. I project like crazy when I’m driving.)
This might sound ridiculous, but my dark side is not my worst self. My worst self is the person who
projects my darkness onto others.
Projecting — offloading my undesirable emotions and experiences or viewing other people as possessing the traits in myself that I hate — lies at the root of racism. It lies at the root of the blame game. It lies at the root of outrage culture and, for some, twitter. It lies at the root of the creative insults I yell at terrible drivers.
Projection is bad (though natural!) enough. It is one way we human beings avoid our shadow sides. But projection requires another worst-self move: objectification.
Again, don’t get me wrong: Objectification is necessary to healthy development. As Heinz Kohut, the founder of self psychology, and D.W. Winnicott, my favorite object relations theorist, taught us, children need objects. They need (specifically) to use their parents as objects for their own growth, either by internalizing qualities they admire and need (ideally) or by acting out on and engaging with their parents in order to — well, in order to do lots of things:
To learn how to survive limits.
To develop a healthy relationship with reality.
To become good at mentalizing.
To distinguish between themselves and others.
To get an accurate image of themselves.
To develop a capacity for empathy.
Objectification is a worst-self move when it
stops there.
When I work myself into a lather because the driver ahead of me is going 30 in a 45-mile-an-hour zone. I mean, what kind of an idiot are you?!? How inconsiderate (of me) can you be?!?!! How dare you exist at all?!??!
Objectification is a worst-self move when I stop at my self-righteous conclusion that other people are idiots, that my needs are paramount, that I know everything, that I have the right to define people and situations to suit myself — and then I go ahead and act on that self-righteous conclusion.
Like, say, gunning my engine, darting into the other lane to pass, and cutting the idiot off when I swerve back into my lane (emphasis on my).
That’ll show ‘em.
Of course, and thank god, there is an antidote to — let’s face it — the natural urge to objectify. The antidote is to
re-subjectify.
Like when I notice that the driver in front of me is about 150 years old and can barely see over the steering wheel (she could have been RBG!!)
or when I imagine that the driver might be preoccupied and hurting
or when I remind myself that I, too, behave in irritating ways
or when I wonder what the heck is going on with me right now.
Worst-self move? Objectify and stop there.
Better-self move? Re-subjectify. Ourselves and others.
Even in the worst of times.
Mantra: May I watch for my worst self. And not stop there.