Rules of Engagement
If we’re going to turn conflict-aversion into productive engagement, we need some rules. Here are some possibilities:
Be in your right mind. Be centered. Be grounded. Be still.
Breathe. Pause. Breathe again.
Listen. To what the aggressor is saying – the content – but also to what they’re not saying. To their emotion. That’s the bedrock.
Look. What is your relational partner’s body telling you?
Feel. Pay attention to your body: your physical reactions, your own emotions. Label them to yourself. Take actual notes.
Wonder if how you feel is how they feel. (The answer is probably yes.) Wonder why they might feel that way. (That is, make the flip.)
Show up. With humor. With energy. With firmness. With respect. With self-respect.
Stay in your body. Stay present.
Ask questions.
Slow it down. Let silence fall. Tell your relational partner you need a moment to think, to process what you’ve heard.
Soften. You are not a rigid wall. You are not the front line of combat. You are a human being talking to a human being. Even if that human being is trying to turn you into an object. Even if that human being has turned themselves into an object.
Believe what you’re hearing. Validate your relational partner. Feed back what you hear them saying to you. This is not the same as agreeing or yielding. It is called active listening. (It is also called the believing game.)
Describe (your) reality. What are you seeing? What are you hearing?
Formulate the problem. As something you and your relational partner can both look at and wonder about. Not as something you’re supposed to fix or take on simply because your relational partner has laid it at your feet.
Be prepared for mistakes. Your own and others’. Be prepared to repair.
Know and honor your limits. Abuse is unacceptable. Your safety and that of your relational partner are essential. You must be free to disengage when you feel unsafe.
Anticipate difficulties and visualize what will happen if they arise. What will you say? What will you do? How do you want to feel?
Know who has your back. You need robust support if you are going to engage with aggressors. You may engage one-on-one, but you must not feel alone.
These are just some suggestions. They are not steps to follow. They’re ideas, stances, orientations, attitudes to try on, to practice.
Emphasis on practice. Fighting conflict-aversion by seeking engagement does not come naturally. It takes practice. And support. And more practice.
Try it at family meetings. At parties. With friends. Try it at school.