Emotional Bedrock

If you’re going to communicate accurately, you’ve got to get to the emotional bedrock.

And that almost always involves translation.

Translating between what we perceive — behaviors we see, feelings we have — and the language of psychic and developmental need. Pausing before we respond to the content of a communication — the words, the power struggle, the defiance, the accusation — and recognizing the reality the content rests on. Responding to that reality — the bedrock — rather than to the o so distracting and seductive content.

For example. A strident student says,

How am I supposed to know this? You didn’t teach us this! It’s not in the reading we did for homework! You didn’t talk about it in class! You can’t expect me to do this!

Here’s what the teacher hears:

THIS IS YOUR FAULT. YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG. I AM JUSTIFIED IN FEELING OUTRAGED AT YOU.

Based on this interpretation, the teacher might think, with some alarm, “Did I teach this? Did I do something wrong?” In the heat of her self-doubt, she might defend herself against the student’s accusation by saying, with a hint of snark,

What? You don’t have fingers? You can’t look something up on the computer?

This response is, of course, aimed at the content of the complaint. And it doesn’t get a whole lot of work done, either academic or relational. It just parries. When the student blames, the teacher defends against the words, against the accusation.

And completely misses the most relevant message,

which requires translation:

I am panicked that I missed something, that I did something wrong, that I’m too stupid to do what this class requires of me.

When a student feels this way — panicked, blameworthy, stupid — and offloads these feelings by making the teacher feel them, the student is acting out. Acting out is not a great way to make friends. But it is a great way to communicate what students either don’t know or won’t dare admit out loud — the emotional bedrock.

The truth of the matter:

“I’m panicked. I don’t have a leg to stand on. I’m stupid.”

If the teacher were to translate the student’s accusation into the emotional bedrock of anxiety and self-doubt, she might say something different. Like

You sound panicked! That’s not good. But I can understand why. You’re afraid you’ve missed something. Let’s figure this out so you can move ahead confidently.

And maybe

Don’t worry. This is hard. But you’re going to get it. That’s why I’m here.

If the teacher’s translation, based on the student’s words, behaviors, and her own feelings, is accurate, then the student’s demeanor will change. Completely. From aggressive to cooperative. From blaming to vulnerable. I’ve seen it happen.

It’s all about resisting the seduction of the content and getting down to the emotional bedrock.

Next up: more translations. Keep an eye out.