Can. Can't. Won't.

One of the issues I find myself talking about a lot with teachers is the issue of

doing the impossible.

That is, having a full plate to begin with — with job and family responsibilities — then having additional servings plopped on top “without,” as a teacher recently put it, “taking anything away.”

We’re barely two months into the school year, and teachers are already trying — and failing — to do the impossible.

My take on doing the impossible is to ask what you’re willing to do to

turn the impossible into the possible.

I mean, doing the impossible is, well, impossible. And it’s fair to assume that no one but you is tracking the heaping plate of your life. So making your life possible pretty much falls to you.

Here’s one way to do it.

When you’re doing the impossible, “I can do that” is necessarily based on denial. That is, taking on additional life servings without questioning them — just saying “I can,” even if silently, even if unconsciously — requires you to pretend that reality is not reality. That you are obligated to accede without question. That you are powerful or competent enough to take on one more thing. That, if you don’t do it, no one will. Certainly not as well as you will. That you’re alone on this.

When you’re trying to change the impossible to the possible, “I can’t” is the essential first step. You don’t have to admit that you are not competent or powerful or talented or compassionate enough to do more. You just have to admit that taking on this extra serving must come at great expense to your health and wellbeing.

And that your health and wellbeing are top priorities.

No one but you knows when you can’t. Being honest about your limits and coming to peace with them are work only you can do.

Then comes the final step: Saying “I won’t.” Taking on agency in your own life. Even when it means conflicting with someone else’s needs and demands.

“I can’t” is what you say to yourself. (If you say it to someone else, they can always argue: “Of course you can. You’re amazing!”) “I won’t” is what you say to someone else. Followed by something like “but I’m happy to brainstorm ways to address the problem that are actually sustainable.”

“I won’t” means it’s time to share the load. To get creative. To acknowledge the limits reality has imposed and to work within them to get something new and original done. Something that wouldn’t have been done if you had simply filled the void and taken care of it yourself. At your ultimate expense.

This is important: “I won’t” in this process is not petulant or resistant or whiny.

It is not entitled.

It is a statement of reality. “I won’t because I can’t. I won’t because it is unsustainable. I won’t because it will harm me and I don’t want that. Neither should you.”

Please distinguish between entitled “I won’ts” and reality-based, generative “I won’ts.” Entitled “I won’ts” give turning the impossible into the possible a very bad name.