What's your attachment style?

In which I consider the mother of all fits

You know your zodiac sign. You know you’re an introvert. You know you have a growth mindset.

But do you know your attachment style?

Here they are, in a nutshell:

Secure attachment — You are comfortable with both intimacy and independence and can balance the two.

Preoccupied attachment — You crave closeness and fear separation, which you perceive as abandonment.

Dismissive-avoidant attachment — You are uncomfortable with closeness, preferring independence and self-sufficiency.

Fearful-avoidant attachment — You both crave and fear intimacy, finding closeness confusing and threatening.

Have you found yourself? Congratulations. You have identified your very own mother of all fits.

And by mother I really mean mother. Because our attachment styles develop in direct relationship with our mothers and fathers. What I (and others) mean by this is that, even as infants, we human beings understand that our survival depends on our relationships with our primary caregivers. Not just on getting fed. On our connections with people who can take care of us.

So, in fact, our attachment styles begin when we’re babies. Depending on who our caregivers are and what we need to do to fit with them to get what we need, we develop attachment styles that are quite similar to the adult attachment styles proposed above.

That is, we learn that we can count on our caregivers to attend to us and respond to our needs consistently and appropriately. Or we learn that we can count on our caregivers not to attend to us, so we develop independence and self-sufficiency early. Or we learn to accommodate to caregivers who are inconsistent, sometimes attending and responding, sometimes not. Or we learn from highly inconsistent, intrusive and neglectful, and possibly abusive caregivers that relationships are simply unsafe.

In short, we begin fitting with the most important human beings in our lives as soon as we are born (and possibly even before).

Attachment styles are the mothers of all fits not just because they stem from our relationships with our mothers (and fathers, and grandparents and guardians and siblings and other caregivers). They are the mothers of all fits because they affect — nay, they determine — how we react to any number of stressful situations when we’re adults.

If I grew up with an insecure attachment style that manifests in my adult life as preoccupied, then I’m going to behave in predictable ways when circumstances remind me of my family of origin. For example, when my partner has to leave on a business trip, I might insist that he call me twice a day or respond immediately to my numerous texts. And I’ll become unhinged when he doesn’t. I will feel endangered, unstable, abandoned — that is, I will have regressed to the old days of survival with parents whose caretaking felt too often like abandonment. I will be projecting onto my partner my expectations of abandonment that were baked into me as a child.

This is called transference. It’s a very useful concept.

It’s useful in a couple ways.

1) If I find myself feeling abandoned, I can wonder about it. Has my partner truly abandoned me? What is the reality here? How does he see it? What aspects of him overlap with my parents’ neglectful characteristics? (Guaranteed there are overlaps or I wouldn’t have been attracted to him in the first place.) How does he differ from my parents? (This is a very important question to answer.)

2) I can start labeling these panicked experiences as bouts of transference. Transference is real, but it isn’t based on current reality. It’s based on past reality. If I can say to myself, “Ah, another excellent moment of transference,” then I can step back and watch it. What are the feelings? What beliefs are triggered? Can I write them down? Are they true (anymore)? How do these feelings change? What events trigger the transference? What happens to make it go away?

The mother of all fits has far-reaching ramifications for us as surviving organisms. Our attachment styles derive from experiences that happened over and over again, defined our normal, and taught us what to expect from the world, what feels familiar. As I wrote in a previous post, “Fits have convoluted histories, illogical benefits, and a great deal of power over us.”

The good news is that these fits, these attachment styles, can change. With enough repetition, enough practice, our prongs and outlets can morph completely. We can change from preoccupied attachment to secure attachment, for example. (Of course, we can also change in the other direction.) A key, in my opinion, is to notice how you’re fitting, to seek understanding of your fit’s origins, and to consciously shift your beliefs and behaviors with relational partners who are willing to grow with you.

In a way, tracking your attachment styles is like tracking your horoscope. Your experience will change day-to-day, even moment-to-moment. Watch for it. Wonder about it. Honor it. And change it if necessary.